


Made to Break

by piolioxsa



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Awkwardness, Bipolar Even Bech Næsheim, Bullying, Dark, Drugs, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Isak Valtersen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, My First Fanfic, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, lots of swearing, some fluff cuz this dark fic needs it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-11-12 23:40:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11172522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piolioxsa/pseuds/piolioxsa
Summary: It should be small, unimportant not at all life rocking things that happened to Isak on that september. But somehow he still finds himself drowning, no matter how hard he fights to get to the surface. To him.Basicly everything bad that could happen to Isak happens, for all of us angst lovers.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to my first fanfic, I really hope that its not as shitty as I think it is... But yeah, any tips are welcome!
> 
> Set at the start of season 3, which I think is sometime near september. Im to lazy for research.
> 
> Enjoy!

**Fredag 15:13**

Isak and Jonas are sitting at the school cafeteria, Jonas glued to his computer. It had been like that all week, something about writing an article for the school newspaper. Isak has absolutely no idea what it is about, but as always Jonas goes all in to his “artistic works” and Isak is stuck playing angry birds till the damn thing is done. Isak is on his final bird, and is trying to get the angle just right...

“This is so fucking shitty!”

...And its gone. With a reluctant sigh, he lowers his phone.

“What is is now then? I keep losing because of your stupid tantrums. What are you, five?”

Jonas looks up from his computer, and gives him the look. The why is everyone but me such mindless idiots look.

“Isak, I think that changing the way people view mental illness is slightly more important than your angry birds highscore.” Isak replies with the deepest eyeroll me can manage. He puts his phone down on the table.

“Fine, what’s the problem?”

“I need something real, not just numbers and facts. Something new, you know”, Jonas says with a sigh.

“I don’t know man, you are the genius.” Jonas keeps staring at the computer screen like his frustration alone will make the words suddenly appear.

He smiles at Jonas, idiot and all he is still his best friend and he sort of enjoy seeing him this dedicated. It had been a while, since all that crap with Eva. That he started. Smile now gone, Isak needs to do something. He can't just sit there, need to stop this line of thoughts. Isak gets up from the table, and after asking Jonas if he would like something (of course he wants nothing), he heads for the cafeteria.

The small walk doesn't help. Like at all. He’s standing in line with a so totally out of date sandwich on his plate, but his thoughts are deep in his mind by now. He deserves it though, the guilt he finds there. It had been his fault after all, all those long nights with Jonas filled with alcohol and mindless partying to try to get over her. Best friend, yeah sure. Making them break up just because… Well he doesn’t even know why. It just hurt to see them together.

“Wow, man. What the hell happened to you?” Isaks bitter thoughts are interrupted by this unknown all to happy voice. Isak looks up, and are meet by the bluest freaking eyes he’d ever seen. He recognised the dude as one of the more popular third years, but he’d never noticed him before. Isak takes a good 10 seconds before he registers that maybe he should reply and stop standing there like an idiot.

“What do you mean?”, Isak looks down to hide his blush and promptly shoves away the weird feelings in his stomach.

“You just looks like you should watch some crappy romantic comedies or something”, the guy answers with a crooked smile.

Luckily for Isak, the dude at the register finally figures out how to write out a receipt for the one before him and he’s next. He pays up with some stray coins, and hurries away towards Jonas before he can embarrass himself further. Mr. Blue eyes must think he is some kind of freak, freezing like that. He slams down his plate on the table, startling Jonas. He pulls up his hood, and tries to forget what just happened.

“Dude, they charged you double or what? Quit looking like that, you are ruining the atmosphere.” Isak gives Jonas another eyeroll.

“Just shut up, idiot.” Jonas smiles, but the frown is back when he looks back at the screen.

“I’m so screwed, man.”

……………………………...

  **Fredag 22.02**

Isak lies on his bed, with Jonas by his side. The air was filled with a sweet smoke, and their stomachs filled with laughter. Jonas had been on a rant about Trump for the past 20 minutes and Isak was struggling to keep up.

“... you know? I just don’t get it! How can anyone be so dumb that they believe that crap?!” Isak can’t stop the whole hearted laugh that escapes his lips.

“I’ve missed this Jonas, just you and me. High as hell, with nothing to worry about.”, Isak smiles.

“Well, we still got Trump. And that damn article.”, Jonas bluntly states.

“Shut up, you know what I mean. No drama, no shit.” Jonas doesn’t answer, but continues his rant. Isak doesn’t mind. He takes the joint, and takes a breath. He wonders what Mr. Blue eyes is doing right now. Probably at some party, with some girl. Well, not thinking of him thats for sure. Isak gives himself a mental slap, what the hell is he doing? But with the high in his body, he can’t stop his thoughts from thinking about those eyes. And that smile. And…

“Oy, Isak you with me?!”, Jonas gives him a little too hard shove.

“What the hell man!”

“You in or what?”, Jonas asks. Isak stares at him with confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

“The party? That Mahdi told me about, at that third year?”, Jonas says with an annoyed look on his face. Isak sighs. He knew it was too much to ask for a friday without at least one stupid party. But he can never say no to Jonas, even if he was almost certain he would have to face that Emma chick again.

“Sure. let’s go.”, Isak sighs.

“I knew I could count on you, bro. Just don’t forget the stash, okay?”, Jonas says as he hands Isak the valuable plastic bag. Isak buts it in his back pocket, and heads for the door. Maybe this night will not be completely shitty.

…………………………

**Fredag 22.40**

The party is shit, but at least he hasn't seen Emma yet.

“What is your problem with her anyways?” Magnus asks, and takes another swig of beer. Isak rather not answer, that problem is his own to fix.

“She’s just so hot for me, it’s annoying.” Isak lies.

“Dude, just bang her already. Get her of your tail. And how bad can it be? She got that whole tomboy look going, and she got a pussy. What else do you need? You basicly need to be gay to say no to that”, Mahdi says. Isak stomach turns, but he puts it down to bad beer.

“Just… Leave it, okay” Isak says rashly.

“Fine, no need to get grumpy. You on your period or something?” Maudi laughs. Isak gives him a not so friendly look, takes his beer and walks of.

The music is high, pumping out the latest mindless crap from the toplists. The small apartment is overcrowded, bodies pressed tightly together as they dance along the rhythm. He spotts Jonas among them, but Isak is not nearly drunk enough to join him. Instead he heads for the toilets, but before can reach the door he is stopped by a gentle arm on his shoulder. He turns around, and of course it is her.

“Emma, look I don’t have time just…”

“We need to talk, you keep avoiding me. You can’t just do that, not after what happened. I mean…”

“Fine!” Isak stops her. “Just… lets go somewhere else, okay”. Isak says, as he grabs her and heads for one of the bedrooms. Isak shoves the door shut behind him.

“I thought I told you to leave me alone.”, he says with angry eyes. He sees how Emma trembles under his gaze, but quickly straightens.

“And I thought I told you that wouldn't happen! You owe me an explanation, Valtersen. I thought you were in on it to, you were so fucking determined to get me alone but then you just head tails all of the sudden.” Isak looks down, unsure how to reply.

“And then, when I try to talk to you you tell me to piss of. Like I was some worthless piece of crap.” Isak can see the tears now, and the ever present dark pit in his stomach grows.

“Emma, look…”

“No! You can’t do that! You don’t get to apologize. If you don’t want me I get it, but then you just had to tell me so. Not lead me on, just to dump me as soon we were alone. Was I just some joke to you? A bet?” Emma looks furious now.

“No! You don’t understand, not anything. And I don’t care, just leave me alone already!” Isak all but yells at her face. His heart hurts, but he need her to back off. Before she…

They are interrupted by a loud knocking on the door. The door opens, and Emma starts to leave. But before she do, she turns toward Isak.

“You know Isak, it’s 2016. Just come out of the closet already.” She leaves Isak dumbstruck, while he tries not the let the panic show on his face. He glances toward the door, afraid that the person who opened it might have heard what she’d said. And shit. It’s him. He looks at him with a slight worry in those blue eyes, as he asks:

“You okay dude?”, and Isak would like to tell the truth. But the lies comes more smoothly now, like it’s second nature. And it’s not like Mr. Blue eyes care anyway. He sits down on the neatly made bed behind him, body heavy. He plasters on a smile, and he can almost hear it crack on his face.

“Yeah, I kind of deserved that. Crazy chick, can’t leave you alone. Ever heard of a one night stand?”. He forces out a small laugh, eyes on the floor and hands balled up tightly. The blond doesn't answer though, and the room feels even smaller. He can feel his breath quickens, and presses his eyes shut. He needs to get the hell out of there.

“Bullshit”, he suddenly says and Isak’s heart stops. He quickly stands up and feels his vision start to swim. Nevertheless he shoves the other guy aside and stumbles out of the room. Isak think he muttered some kind of excuse, his not sure.

He takes another step towards the exit, forces in another breath.

_Why?_

Isak tries so hard to hurry the fuck out, but the mass of bodies in the living room makes it slow and painful.

_Why the hell can’t I just be normal._

He think he spots the guys when he tumbles out the door, but Isak couldn't care less at the moment.

_They think I’m a freak._

The night is dark, but not nearly as dark as the growling monster in the pit of his stomach.

_They deserve better. They all do._

How he made it back to the apartment that night, he’ll never understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer!! I do not own Skam, just this story. Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually didn’t stop at the first chapter, and I’m sort of proud of myself. I got the rough script written out, and I hope you’ll stay with me through this story. 
> 
> Now, back to angsty Isak

**Mandag 07.15**

_Jonas: Rise and shine sunshine, can’t sleep in when your faithful friend requires your assistance! Meet me at your locker before school :*_

_Isak: Jonas… Its fucking monday… And why the hell are you so happy?_

_Jonas: I’ve finally figured out what to do about my article! I just need some help… ;)_

_Isak: I have a bad feeling about this..._

_Jonas: Come on, I have coffee. PLEASEEEE_

_Isak: Fine… remind me again why we’re friends_

_Jonas. HE LIVES! Cuz im the only one who can stand your grumpiness_

_Isak: Don’t push it_

_Jonas: See you soon, sunshine!_

…………………………………...

**Mandag 07.48**

You could imagine that after a weekend of staying in bed 24/7 you’d feel somewhat refreshed. But common sense don’t seem to apply to Isak, who is currently holding his third cheep school coffee in one hand and Jonas flyers in the other. _Here,_ he’d said as he pushed the thick bunch of flyers into his arms. _I need you to put these up. Like everywhere._ And so here he is, lazily sticking Jonas flyers on every empty surface. The caffeine is yet to take effect, and he hasn't even bothered to look at the damn paper. At least the simple act has taken him from the headspace he’d been stuck in for the past few days, and he’s finally starting to feel somewhat like himself.

“Ehm… I think it’s supposed to be the other way around.”, Isak heard someone say behind him. 

He quickly turns around, and send the flyers flying in the process. Fuck. He drops to the floor and starts to collect the papers, face bright red. He looks up from underneath his snapback, and there stands Elias. Face smug as always. Isak freezes, and then starts grabbing the papers as fast as he can manage. He hears Elias laugh, and before he leaves Isak hear him say in a low voice:

“You really are a pathetic piece of shit, aren't you you little fag?” Isak feels like he’d been punched in the stomach, and even if he wanted to tell him of he kept quiet. He had learnt from that mistake way back. 

The school is starting to fill up with students, but no one notices Elias comment. Isak closes his eyes for a second, and tries to calm his breath. He begins collecting the rest of the flyers when someone put their hands over his, stopping them in the process. 

“You need some help?”, someone asks and he instantly recognizes the voice and like what the hell? He only ever meet this dude when he feels like shit, and Isak is not sure if that is a bad or a good thing. Right now though, he wants to be left the fuck alone. 

“No, I’m fine”, he replies with a hard voice. 

“No, seriously”, the boy says as he puts the rest of the flyers in a neat pile, “No worries”. 

Isak cast a suspicious glare at the third year, and is met with those soft blue eyes. He feels his stomach turn again, but this time it’s not an unpleasant feeling. And that makes Isak feel even more shitty. 

“Thanks, but could you please leave me alone?”, Isak says as he practically rips the flyers from his arms. 

The way his eyes shines with worry make him feel even more pathetic, so he spins around and starts to leave. But before he can do so he feels a hand on his shoulder, that makes him turn back.

“Look, it’s Isak right? I’m Even. I’m just trying to help, okay?” 

Isak’s eyes are glued to the floor, and he struggles to come up with an answer that won’t make him seem like a complete douchebag. So he stays quiet. He heard Even sigh, and then release him. He takes a step back and starts to root around in his backpack. He lifts up a white bag, and hands it to Isak.

“You forgot this at the party”

At first Isak stares at the bag in his hand in confusion, but when he peeks inside he feels his heart stop. It’s the weed. Jonas would have a fit if he knew he’d lost it. He looks at Even with guilty eyes. He just saved his ass, and he treated him like shit. 

“Ehm.. Even, look…”

“Don’t mention it”, Even smiles and gives Isak a wink. It’s tiny but it feels like a tidal wave, and Isak finds it sort of hard to ignore the way he feels like he’s flying. Isak blushes, and hides behind his snapback. Even snickers.

“I’ll see you around, Isak. And also, you look adorable when you’re all…. flustered like that”, Even says as he nonchalantly turn heels and walk away, leaving Isak with a face red as a neon sign and body filled with black butterflies. 

……………………….. 

**Tirsdag 01.14**

Isak feels like shit, and he’s so fucking tired of it. He just wants one day when everything is normal, like what normal used to be before all of this started. Before his mom got really bad, before he started thinking that Jonas was way cuter than Eva, before Elias. Now he’s so alone, living with people who don’t know him and with no one to talk to. Even though Eskild saved his as when he took him in like he was a stray puppy he had to save, he isn’t family. And since the whole incident with Eva, he can’t really talk to Jonas either. He can’t tell him that breathing hurts without him finding out what he did. And he can’t lose Jonas, sometime he feels like he is the only thing tying him down to earth. 

So here he sits, in his dark quiet room, stalking Even. It wasn’t really that hard, even though that hipster apparently doesn't have facebook, to find him on instagram. He has stared at his page for the past two hours now, and every smile makes him feel good. Amazing really, and damn he has missed this feeling. But he knows, knows so bad it hurts, that he would give everything to feel like this when he sees Emma smile. Or any girl. Because then, maybe it wouldn’t feel so wrong. He feels like an alien in disguise, like a misfit. 

He wishes that he could ignore the small light of hope Even gave him today, because Isak knows how much it’ll hurt when that light extinguish. 

………………………

**Tirsdag 11.53**

There is this stair at the backside of school where Isak like to go when he wants to be left alone. The only people who ever go back here are smokers, and they couldn't care less about some random second year like him. He usually sit with Jonas and the guys, but he’s skipping lunch to do some work on the article. And Isak has been avoiding Magnus and Mahdi since the party, not having coming up with a lie to as why he stormed out. Jonas was apparently to shitfaced to remember.

Not really feeling like eating the almost molded sandwich he stole from Linn, he’s currently just scrolling through his phone waiting for his next class. Then suddenly he feels someone sit down next to him.

“Have you been stalking me, Isak?”, he hears a now familiar voice say. Even.

Isak face shifts to bright red. How the hell did he figure that out? He looks up at Even, who’s giving him an amused look. He seems to read Isaks question on his face, and says:

“Just a tip for your future stalking activities, make sure you don’t accidentally like their picture.”, and well… Fuck. Isak and Even share a look, and burst out laughing. 

“I’m a really crappy stalker, aren't I?”, Isak says then. Even puts an arm around Isaks shoulders, and Isak feels himself stiffen. Even either doesn't notice, or ignore Isak’s reaction. 

“Well, yeah. But I’m flattered, didn’t know I was that stalk-able.”, Even jokes as he releases Isak with a friendly shove. 

Isak, still a little affected by Even’s intrusion to his personal space, then realise something.

“What the hell are you doing here anyway?”. Even is quite popular, and a third year. Definitely not _hide behind the school_ material. Even then looks a bit ashamed at Isaks question.

“So… I got a confession to make… I sort of saw you sneaking back here, and thought to myself that a nice guy like you could use some company.” Isak stares at Even, he’s freaking unbelievable.

“Now who’s the stalker?”, he says with a smirk. 

“Oh come on, you can say I didn’t light up this gloomy place with my golden presence just a little bit.”, and of course Isak won’t admit that he might be right.

“Nah, I think that's impossible with team smoking hazard over there.” Even’s smile is bright and contagious, and Isak can’t help but smile himself. 

And Isak can’t help it, when his gaze gets stucks on Even’s face. The way his face wrinkles when he laugh, and his eyes shine with childlike innocence. The way his lips look so…

Wait.

Stop the cheesy romantic music. What the hell is he thinking? Even is a boy, and he’s a boy. Even would probably run away as fast as he could if he knew what Isak was thinking. Isak quickly turns his head and stares at the dusted stone in between his feet. The light laughter in his stomach replaced with heavy stones, and Isak puts on his best _everything is okay_ face.

“Look, Even. Thanks for helping me out before, but I got to go.” Isak says as he slowly stands. “See you around”.

Even looks sort of taken back by Isak’s words, but quickly rises himself. Isak stretches out his hand, and Even mumbles a “Ehm, yeah sure” as they share a totally not awkward handshake. Isak then leaves, with no real destination but away from Even in mind. He feel a wide range of emotions mixed inside him in a weird hurricane, and he’s not quite sure where his feet are carrying him. He hadn't gotten far though, when someone calls out his name.

“Isak, hey!”, and Isak is now positive that Even’s only goal in life is to make him feel uncomfortable. 

“Can you give me your phone number?”. Wow. Someone is straightforward.

“Well sure… But..” 

“So we can talk about how to improve our stalking skills, I believe we both need to up our James Bond moves”

“But James Bond aren’t...”

“Just give me your phone for gods sake”, Even says as he dramatically gestures with his arms. Isak stays tongue tied as he scrambles out his phone, gives it to Even, who quickly send a text to himself from Isaks phone.

“And… there”, Even smirks when he hands back Isak’s phone. “Don’t be a stranger!” Even yells as he runs toward to school entrance, leaving Isak frozen to the ground. 

What the hell just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer!! I do not own Skam, just this story. Please review!
> 
> Also, I won't be able to upload for awhile, the next update should be around july 5th. Next episode features nightmares, one of my favorites.
> 
> Stay tuned!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, I’m back!  
> This is a bit shorter, but you’ll see why after you read the chapter.  
> Next update will be up before next sunday.  
> Hope you like the chapter!

**Tirsdag 18.05**

As Isak went back to his room, after successfully stealing some of Linn's leftovers for dinner, he felt his phone buzz.

_James Bond: I tried to come up with some cool James Bond quote, but then I realised I haven't even seen the films. So… I’ll give you this instead :)_ [ _http://gph.is/2qtZaRT_ ](http://gph.is/2qtZaRT)

_Isak: Even?..._

Isak opened the link, and oh my god he can’t believe this guy. He quickly changed his contact name.

_Even is Lame: Yeah, you liked it? :P_

_Isak: You are now permanently going to be Even is Lame on my phone. Jesus dude_

_Even is Lame: Oh come on, you liked it! I knew from the moment I saw you that youre a crappy dog memes guy :)_

_Even is Lame: And that name sucks anyway, where is your creativity?!_

_Isak: What am I called on your phone then, mr creativ?_

_Even is Lame: Just Isak_

_Isak: Somehow I dont believe you_

_Even is Lame: Well, you’ll never find out :P_

_Isak: you havent apologized for stealing my phone number yet, thief_

_Even is Lame: Thats because I was doing you a favour, from this day onward youll be waking up do more of those dog memes, every single day ;)_

_Isak: Yeah, sure… Youre such a loser_

_Even is Lame:_ [ _http://gph.is/1bOU0TZ_ ](http://gph.is/1bOU0TZ)

_Isak: -.-_

Isak smiled, Even sure is something else. And even though he shouldn’t, he kept replying to Even. Even is just trying to be friendly, Isak thought to himself. What’s wrong with that? Just friends.

It wasn’t until after midnight that Isak’s phone stopped buzzing, and another hour after that before Isak finally want to sleep. 

………………………… 

**Onsdag 04.12**

Isak is back at the cabin. Jonas and Eva are fucking in their room, and Isak is alone with Elias. The tension is heavy in the room, but that’s mostly thanks to Isak. Elias won’t stop name calling him, and for every time Isak feels more and more uncomfortable near the dude. Why had Jonas called him? He knew he didn’t like the guy. Isak looks up from his phone to glare at Elias, who is currently smoking his second joint for the night. And that is why Jonas called him, for the weed. And that’s also why Isak just has to sit there and endure his company. 

“What are you looking at? You’re creeping me out, fag”, Elias laugh. And Isak just can’t take this shit anymore.

“Why the hell would I be staring at an absolute douche like you, and stop calling me a fag! I like girls, just like everyone else!” Isak freezes when Elias stand up, and that look is the scariest thing Isak has ever seen. 

“You, shut your fucking mouth”, Elias says as he steps closer to where Isak is sitting. Every instinct in Isak’s body is screaming at him to run. But he just can’t move. Elias smile is evil, as he steps up to Isak. By now, Isak’s heartbeat is so fast it hurts. Elias grab Isak’s shirt, and finally Isak’s body seem to react to his panicked brain, and he screams.

“Jon…” Elias puts his hand over Isaks mouth, stopping any sound from escaping. Isak feels some stray tears escape his eyes, and he feels absolutely pathetic.

“Now now”, Elias whispers in a sickly sweet voice. “We wouldn't like to disturb the sweet lovey doves in there, would we?”. Elias pinns Isak down, and even if he liked to he couldn't escape.

“I’m going to release my hand, and then I’m going to beat you up. And you’re just going to lie there and take it, or I’ll tell Jonas about how you would like nothing more then his dick in your mouth. And we both know what would happen then”, Elias says as the slams Isak to the floor. 

“He would hate you, he would leave you.” Elias voice is venom.

Isak is expecting the kick, but it still hurt like nothing he’d ever felt.

“You are such a freak, how do you even live with yourself?!”

The kicks just keep on coming, and Isak has to bite down on his hand to stop his screams. Elias words though, hurt the most. Because he know they are true.

“No one will ever want you, you fucking fag.”

And in Isak dreams, the kicks never stops. The pain never stops. And sometimes, Jonas is there to, just looking. When Isak wakes up though, and calms his mind to a functional level, he knows that Jonas wasn’t in that room that night. But Isak still wonders why he didn’t notice the way Isak flinched whenever he breathed to deep, or when he moved to fast for the rest of that weekend. Sometimes, when the dreams are particularly bad, he thinks that Jonas just chose to ignore the signs. Because he knew to, that Isak had deserved it. 

…………………......

**Torsdag 20.15**

Isak can’t focus on angling his birds right, and he just can’t get past this level. He sighs and falls back dramatically on Jonas bed. He is so tired, but a full night's sleep is a privilege Isak hasn't experienced in a long time. And Even texting him all night doesn't help. 

“Isak, how does this sound”, Jonas says to grab his attention. Isak looks at his best friend, as he reads out get another piece from his article. Luckily for Isak, who can’t really muster up the energy to respond to Jonas with more than a _It sounds good,_ he’s almost done.

He still hasn’t let him read the whole thing though, Jonas says he has to wait like everyone else. God, he’s annoying sometime.

Isak feel his phone vibrate, and maybe his stomach flutters a bit. He smiles as he picks up his phone to answer Even, but his smile turns sour when he sees the text. It’s from his mother. He stares at the long paragraph of gipperich she sent, and the familiar knot of pain makes itself known. 

Jonas eyes his friend worryingly as he says carefully:

“Is is your mom?”. 

“Yeah”, Isak answers shortly. Jonas sighs as he closes his computer. 

“Man, you need to go do something fun. You can’t just stare at that shit all day, you know that’s not really your mom”, Jonas says as he nudges Isaks leg with his foot. 

Isak nods, sighs and puts his phone away. He looks up at Jonas.

“You have something in mind?”, he smiles carefully.

“This saturday, a party. A friend of mine set me up”

“A friend? I’m your one and only friend”, Isak jokes. Jonas answers by throwing a pillow at his face.

“Shut up! You know the guy too. A third year. We were at his friends place last weekend.”

“Yeah, well I don’t really remember the dude. But as long as I can get drunk, I’m up for it.” Jonas raises his hand and they share their familiar bro hug. 

“That's my Isak!”, he laughs. 

Maybe a great party is everything Isak needs, he thinks to himself. A pause from everything. 

He feels his phone buzz again, and it’s another text from Even.

_Even is Lame: What are your thoughts on tiny clothes for tiny dogs? I can’t decide if its animal abuse or absolutely adorable…_

Isak smiles. Yeah, maybe life can be good again. 

………………………

**Søndag 01.27**

_Fuck._

Isak can’t breath. He can’t see.

_Fuck Vilde, fuck Jonas, fuck Even._

He falls down on the pavement, but somehow it doesn’t hurt. Maybe it’s because his heart is crumbling, from the crushing weight of the words that were just thrown at him. 

Why the hell did this happen?

 _Because this is your life, Isak Valtersen,_ his mind answers him. _And you can’t run._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer!! I do not own Skam, just this story. Please review
> 
> So yeah, lots of interesting things happen next chapter. Sorry for the tease :*


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... This is too long and not very good, but I sort of need it to build up for the next chapter. It's almost done now, only two chapters to go!! I'm really excited to see if you'll like the grand finale. Lots of angst, I promise you that.
> 
> If you wonder something, just ask me and I'll try to answer as best as I can.
> 
> But anyway, enjoy the chapter!

**Søndag 02.14**

“Isak”

****

Isak closes his eyes, both as an attempt to stop the world from spinning and to block out Eskilds worried looks.

****

“Isak, you need to tell me what the hell is going on”, he says carefully as the taxidriver slowly maneuvers them back the apartment. 

****

_Hell no,_ Isak thinks to himself through his drunken mind. He keeps his defiant silence. He reckons that he already told Eskild way to much, when he called and begged him to come and get him. But he knows that Eskild won’t let this go, and mumbles a weak:

****

“Later”, to calm him down. He leans his head on the car window, and through his swimming thoughts only one thing continues to scream with bright red neon words. 

****

_Jonas._

****

_………………………_

**Søndag 15.00**

Isak forces his body out of his room, and into the kitchen where Eskild is waiting. He has a massive hangover, and it was only Eskilds threat that he world drag him out of he didn’t come _right now_ that finally got him out of bed. He gives Eskild what he hopes looks like a deadly glare when he drops down on a chair by the worn out table.

****

“Cute”, Eskild says as hands Isak a plate of scrambled eggs. 

****

“Or scratch that”, Eskild scrunches his nose, “you stink”. 

****

Isak rolls his eyes, and starts picking at the eggs. Eskild tentatively sits down opposite Isak, not quite sure how to start this conversation. 

****

“Isak... “

****

“No look, Eskild, I'm sorry about yesterday, I was drunk and didn’t know who to call. I didn’t mean to say all that”, Isak mumbles out the last words. He keeps his eyes on the table, avoiding Eskilds knowing gaze.

****

“No, I’m glad you called me. Just a little surprised, but hey. We are friends, and that is what friends do”. Isak stomach twists at his words, because he knows that normally he would have called Jonas. But he couldn’t. Eskild seems to understand what he’s thinking.

****

“What did you two fight over anyway? You made it sound like he hated you, but you are best friends. What could possibly make him hate you?” Eskild says, as he tries to comfort Isak.

****

“Well, I was the reason he broke up with his girlfriend. I ruined everything, but he didn’t know. I lied, for so long. I fucking let him cry on my shoulder, even though it was all my fault”, Isak words are filled with anger. And guilt.

****

“And he found out?” 

****

“Vilde got absolutely shitfaced at the party and told him. She even told him…” Isak stops, afraid to continue that sentence. He looks up at Eskild, and fuck. He can’t stop his tears from spilling over at Eskilds understanding face, and trough hitched breaths he forces out the rest.

****

“She… She told him why I did it… Because I had a huge freaking crush on him, and…” Isak takes a deep breath, and buries his face in his hands. “And now he knows and he hates me”

****

“Did he say that?”

****

“He screamed at me to get the fuck away”, a bitter laugh escapes his lips, “I figured that mean he don’t want me around. I felt it, I saw it in his eyes. He hates me”

****

They stay quiet for a while after that, as Isak tries to get his lungs to work. He bites down on his lip, he will not have another freaking panic attack. Eskild reaches out to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, but Isak promptly shakes it of. He didn’t need his pity.

****

“And Even is a part in this how?”, Eskild asks when Isak has calmed down. 

****

“That fucking idiot punched Jonas square in the face, like that would make everything better”. Isak could still see the image of Even as he stood before Jonas. Eyes burning with rage. He had to force Even of him, had to drag him away. And that jerk even asked if Isak was alright afterwards, seconds after he downed his best friend. 

****

“Then what?”

****

Isak shrugged his shoulder, tear trails prominent on his face.

****

“I told Even to fuck of, went inside, shugged some vodka and left. It was quite noticeable that I wasn’t welcome anyway. Then I called you”.

****

Eskild know from Isaks frantic voice in that call that he is leaving a great lot of details out of his story, but he don’t push him. He know how much it had taken for Isak to open up at all. Eskild don’t really know how to handle this, teenage drama not being his forte. But he can’t ignore the lost eyes of the boy across him, and so he does his best to come up with something meaningful to say.

****

“Well… I think that maybe Jonas is mad at you right now. I mean you did fuck up his relationship with Eva”. Isak looks down. Great Eskild, way to go. He coughs and continues. “But you two are best friends. And that shit last for life, you know.”

****

“I made them break up. Because I had a crush on him. How the hell is that something a best friend would do? I deserve his hate”

****

“From what I can tell, Jonas is a good guy. And if he is, he will understand that you didn’t mean to hurt him.”

****

“But I did. How would you feel if you found out your best friend, who is a guy, likes you?” And Isak regrets those words as soon as they leave his mouth. Eskild looks at Isak with hurt in his eyes.

****

“I wouldn’t care that he was gay if that’s what you’re saying”, he says shortly. Isak doesn’t answer. _Well, I’m not gay. And Jonas obviously cares,_ he wants to say. But Eskild wouldn’t understand. 

****

Isak eats up his eggs in heavy silence, and stands up to get back to his bed.

****

“It’s not a bad thing you know. You are not a bad person just because you are homosexuall. After you get that through your closed brain come talk to me”

****

Isak feels the words settle like heavy stones in him, but he is already impossibly heavy and it hardly makes a difference. _I'm not a fucking faggot!,_ he want’s to scream at Eskilds face. But instead, he just crawls a bit deeper into himself and shuts the door behind him. Blocking out the truth behind a thin wooden board. 

****

……………………...

**Mandag 08.02**

Isak opens his locker, and a note falls out. He curiously opens it, and of course if is from Even. Isak sighs, and shoves it down his backpack. Ever since that day, Even has texted him non-stop. Somewhere deep within his mind, he knows he shouldn’t be mad at Even. He had only defended him, but somehow that only made him more pissed. Isak could defend himself, and he had deserved Jonas rage. But Even didn’t know that.

****

Isak closes his eyes, and sighs deep. He’ll sort the shit out with Even later, after Jonas.

****

As Isak walks towards his class, he spots said brown head. He feel his heart speed up, but they pass each other without as much as a look from his “best friend”. Fuck, that hurt. He bites his lip, and picks up his pace. As he passes a corridor, he feels someone grab him and drag him into it. _Elias,_ he thinks and start to panic.

****

“Chill, it’s me. Even.”, and shit.

****

“You ashole, why did you have to scare me like that!”, he says with a relieved laugh.

****

“You are just easily scared. I’m as harmless as a kitten.” Even laughs, and suddenly it’s hard for Isak to maintain his cold wall toward him. 

****

_No. Get away._

****

“Uhm… Sorry Even but I have to hurry to class. See you!”, Isak says as he tries to get past Evens huge form. Isak gets some sort of deja vu when Even grabs his arm to stop him.

****

“I just wanted to make sure you know I’m really sorry for hitting Jonas that night.” Isak stares at his shoelaces, quite but no longer trying to slip away. “I didn’t know you were friends but what he said to you was freaking rude… But yeah. Sorry”

****

Isak can tell he’s at least sincere. And he’s too tired to try and be mad at Even right now. His head and body feel foggy, and maybe Isak needs someone who doesn't hate him right now. _Yet,_ a small voice says in his mind. 

****

“Yeah, sorry I’ve been ignoring you… But the note was a bit over the top, even for you”, Isak says and offer a tentative smile. The blinding smile he gets in return steals his breath away.

****

“I just wanted to make sure you got my messages, you know”. 

****

They just stand there at the hallway for a few seconds, and with the tension gone Isak feels like it’s a little bit easier to breath. 

****

“Then you’ll be texting me lame dog memes back again? I’ve missed them”, Even teases with a light shove. 

****

“Yeah”, Isak blushes. 

****

“Then my week is saved” Even smiles again, and starts to leave.

****

“Again, I’m sorry for punching your best friend. I’ll make it up for you, I swear. With brilliant jokes, and great movie references and the cutest of puppy pictures. See you, handsome!”

****

And Isak ignores the stones, ignore his thoughts, ignore Jonas, and focuses on the light. The blinding light that his Even.

****

…………………………

**Onsdag 10.21**

****

_Isak: You really shouldn’t text me during class, Even_

****

_Even: What class are you in now, anyway? :)_

****

_Isak: Biologi_

****

_Even: Then I’m doing you a favor, biologi is so boring!_

****

_Isak: Well, biologi is sort of my favorite subject… :P_

****

_Even: You nerd :*_

****

_Even: Is Jonas still ignoring you?_

****

_Isak: Yeah…_

****

_Even: He’ll come around. He didn’t seem that pissed when I talked to him though_

****

_Isak: You did what?! When???_

****

_Even: yesterday, I had to say sorry dude._

****

_Even: Crap, my teacher just spotted me texting_

****

_Even: See you at lunch, nerd!!_

****

…………………………

**Fredag 12.15**

****

“Oh, come on Isak! Lets just go!”, Even stands up from the stair with an encouraging smile. 

****

“I will not ditch school to go see some lame movie Even!”, Isak says as he crosses his arms determinedly.

****

“It. Is. Not. Lame.”

****

“It’s a movie you like, it’s lame”. Isak says, but he can’t help to smile at Evens enthusiastical expression.

****

“I’ll even buy you popcorn. Please?”, Even offers his best puppy face. And damn, Isak can’t say no to that.

****

“Fine”, he says with faked anger. Even grabs his hand, and pulls him up. They end up really close, and Isak freezes. Evens blue eyes, those lovely eyes, are so close. Isak blushes, and quickly pulls away. He looks around, but no one is there. Isak thinks he spots a glance of hurt is Evens eyes, but he must have mistaken. 

****

“Ehm, lets go then”, Isak says and start walking. 

****

Even catches up, and Isak give the blond a quick glance. Isak knows he should be afraid of this, of the feelings inside of him when he is with Even. But for this past week he has focused in on Even, not daring to think about anything else. And even though he feel detached, he feels good with Even. He chooses to ignore the rest, ignore the fact that Jonas still hasn’t talked to him. Ignore Evens worried looks. 

****

He still can’t breath properly and he can’t sleep, but with Evens smile before him he doesn't mind.

****

……………………………

**Søndag 15.30**

Isak and Even are sitting by Evens window, sharing a joint. They have been together practically the whole weekend, enjoying eachothers company. Talking about everything. Isak smile as he looks up at Evens bright face, the weed making him feel relaxed. In short, life is good.

****

“You know, I just broke up with my girlfriend. Sonja”, Even says and takes a deep breath from the joint. Isak tenses up. _Girlfriend._

****

“We were together for so long too, 3 years or something like that”, Even continues. “But at the end, it felt so… Forced. She thought she knew me better then myself, and hell, maybe she does. But she became more something like a big sister then someone I loved, you know”. 

****

Isak just sits there, not sure how to feel. Even looks at Isak face, uncomfort obvious.

****

“Shit, sorry dude”, he laughs. “I always overshare when I get high”

****

“Nah, it’s fine. But… You are like, over now?”, Isak asks carefully.

****

Even gives Isak an amused look.

****

“Yeah, why are you wondering?”, he says with a smirk. Isak blushes, but can’t help but feel relieved. 

****

“No reason really. Just curious.”

****

They sit in silence for a while, gazing out the window. He knows he should probably head home soon, he’d been at Evens for the whole day. But going home, away from Even, meant that Isaks thoughts would get free room to make themselves known. And he would like to postpone that as much as possible. 

****

“I freaking hate sundays”, Even states bluntly out of nowhere. Isak laugh, because… Well, he don’t really know but it’s just Even.

****

“I hear you dude, schools tomorrow.”

****

“Nah, not really because of that. But it means that the weekend is over, that we can’t just laze around like this. This is great.”, Even nods to himself.

****

“Yeah, I guess I should head back to the apartment though…”, Isak says slowly. 

****

“You could stay a bit longer, if you want. Like I said, I enjoy your company.”, and Isak stomach flutters at Evens playful smile.

****

“I promised I would buy some groceries for Eskild, and I really need to score some good roommate points”. Eskild haven’t really talked to Isak since their conversation, but he’d been trying to get him to warm up to him again. And since it’s Eskild, it wasn’t long before he’d started to use Isak to do stuff for him, to make up for “being a douche”. 

****

Even follows Isak to the front door, and leans on the doorframe as Isak prepares to leave. 

****

“Isak, thank you for this weekend. Like really, it has been the best for a long time.”, and Isak gives him a little smile. Yeah, it had been great for Isak too. Just laughs and butterflies, when he was with Even anyway. 

****

They just stand there, not sure of how to say goodbye. Then Even leans forward, their noses almost touching. Isak can’t really breath, he’s just staring at Evens blue eyes. Time stops, everything stops. 

****

“I don’t think you know how beautiful you are, Isak Valtersen”, and Isaks brain officially shuts of. 

****

Their lips are millimeters from each other, when a door slams shut in the stair house. Isak bolts away, magic broken. He blushes like a madman, and after he mumbles something resembling a farewell he quickly walks away from a confused Even. 

****

Isak can still feel Evens breath on his lips, and it does things to him. Weird, wonderful things. And even though it should feel wrong, Isak can’t stop smiling. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer!! I do not own Skam, just this story. Please review
> 
> Next update will be up sometime next week :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING! See the endnotes to view warnings for this chapter**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> This is my favorite chapter by far, and I’m glad it turned out okay. Only one more chapter to go! 
> 
> Yeah, some major angst ahead, you have been warned….
> 
> Enjoy!!

**Mandag 09.46**

_Even: Are you free right now? We need to talk_

****

Isak freezes, mid step. He’s on his way back to math, when he gets Evens wierd text. He frowns, wondering what he could want. _Probably sick of you._

****

_Isak: Can’t, I have a test next week and can’t skip. Hope that is ok. See you at lunch_

****

Even doesn’t respond right away, and maybe Isak lied to him about the test but so what? He’ll deal with it later. _Yeah, just like with Jonas. And how did that work out again?_ Isak turns up the music so that it tunes out everything, but most importantly his own uncontrolled thoughts. He closes his eyes for just one second, to lose himself in the heavy tunes. 

****

Bad move. 

****

Isak smack headfirst into an innocent brick wall and hell that hurt. He tugs his earbuds out and looks around, but he can’t see anyone. Thank god. He pulls his snapback further down so it won’t show his blushing face, and turns left into his corridor. The door to the classroom before his opens with a slam, and Isak can hear yelling coming from inside.

****

And who storms out if not the source of his worst nightmares, Elias. He avoids his angry gaze, hoping he won’t notice him. But this is Elias, a mad Elias, and Isak can’t do much when he grabs his hoodie so hard he almost falls over. 

****

“Wha…”

****

Elias pulles Isak close to his face, and between gritted teeth he says:

****

“Shut. Up.”

****

Elias basically drags Isak back towards the school bathrooms, and for every second Isak feel his panic rising. Elias shoves him into the very much empty room, and Isak backs away from Elias terrifying form until he feel his back touch the cold wall. 

****

“Elias please, just listen I’m…”, but Isak is interrupted again when Elias puts his arm hard across Isaks chest. 

****

“I told you to shut up!”, he says as he slams his fist into Isaks stomach so hard it leaves him gasping for air.

****

“It has been awhile, hasn’t it fag?”

****

Another hit, harder this time. Isak can hear himself whimper, but it seem distant. 

****

“I’ve missed this, thought you weren't worth my time. But this is better then every therapy session money can by”, Elias laugh as he continues in onslaught and fuck Isak can hardly get a breath in between the hits. Black dots are starting to block his vision. 

****

“And I who thought I was having a bad day, but look at you. You pathetic fuck.”

****

Elias stops, and quickly lets go of Isak. He can barely stand, adrenaline the only thing holding him up. He lifts his eyes to see why Elias stopped, and sees a few guys step into the room to busy to brag about their latest fuck to notice Isaks distress. He sees the warning in Elias eyes, and keeps his mouth shut. Much to Isaks relief, he starts to leave. As he stands by the exit, he turns and says with a faked smile:

****

“See you soon, Isak!”

****

………………………..

**Mandag 10.15**

“Fuck Even, answer damn it!”, Isak whimpers as he pace back and forth frantically by the bottom of the stair. He holds his hand protectively around his aching stomach, barely holding his panic attack at bay. He sends another round of texts to Even, not really seeing the letters.

****

“Isak!”, and Isak basically falls into Evens arms as he storms down the stairs to him. And he crumbles, hard and ugly he crumbles into Evens warmth. 

****

“Shh, it’s okay Isak. I’m here”, Even says soothingly as he does his best to calm him down. But Isak can’t pretend that everything is fine anymore, not when he is drowning in this pitch black sea. He don’t want to drag this golden boy with him, but he can’t do this.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Even please don’t hate me please, I’m sorry”, Isak words mumble out into an incoherent chant and Even grab him harder.

****

“I would never hate you, Isak. Look at me, please let me see those pretty eyes”, and somehow Isak manages to do so. Evens gentle but firm gaze won’t let him go, and Isak hold onto those blue blue eyes with all he got. 

****

“You are so beautiful Isak, and I don’t know what's wrong but we’ll figure it out. You and me, got that?”, and Evens words make him choke out an ugly sob.

****

“But Even, I messed up and I’m messed up and…”

****

Suddenly Evens lips are on his and everything stops. 

****

Isak tears stop.

****

His pain.

****

His thoughts.

****

Everything but the cascade of light and warmth and that cheesy romantic music.

****

“Even…”, he whispers as they break apart only to clash again with every fibre in their body. And there they stand, by a broken molden stair by a broken school, kissing. It feel like three eternities before they stop, both breathless. Even look deep within Isaks soul, and asks:

****

“Is your place empty?”

****

………………………

**Mandag 12.55**

“Isak?”, Even says as he lazily traces a finger across Isaks bruised chest. Isak flinches, and Even quickly pulls his hand back.

****

“Sorry, I’m just… Never mind.”

****

Even shuffles closer to Isak, pulling the cover with him. He places a small kiss on Isaks nose, smiling softly. Isak know what he wants, and even though he feels reluctant to leave the magic moment behind he knows he needs to do this.

****

“I’m just scared, Even”

****

Even frowns, confused.

****

“Scared of what?”

****

“That you’ll hate me”, and Even gives Isak a look that speaks volumes. 

****

“You can talk to me, Isak, I want to help.”

****

“I don’t want to…”

****

“You won’t, just tell me and I promise I’ll try to make it better”

****

And with a shaky sigh Isak talks. About his mom, about Jonas, Elias, Emma. About how he’s afraid to love him, about sleepless nights and panic attacks. About what happened at the cabin, and what happened today. And Even never takes his eyes from his, even when they are blurred from tears he won’t let go. They talk and with every word Isak feel a little lighter. 

****

They talk until Eskild barkes in, asking whose shoes are in the hallway. Isak is blushing and yell at him to get lost, but Even jumps up to shake his hand. Very naked. Eskild, frozen in place, tongue tied for maybe the first time in his life just mutters out his name and turns around. He hears him say something like _did that just happen,_ and walk into his room. 

****

Isak and Even gets up and make some sorry excuse for dinner, Even bouncing all over the place dragging Isak along with him laughing. And maybe something in Isak tells him that not everything is as it should be but he can ignore it. Even is laughing and kissing him and Isak can definitely ignore it.

****

It’s almost midnight and Isak asks Even if he shouldn't go home but Even answer that he’ll never leave him, so he leaves it at that. Because Even is kissing him again and nothing else matters. 

****

………………………

**Tirsdag 04.05**

“Isak, baby don’t cry, please”

****

Isak opens his eyes, Elias hateful eyes replaced with Evens frantic ones. He is breathing fast, the nightmare still fresh in his mind. 

****

“I’ll make him regret ever touching you, I promise. Just wait, Isak, just wait” and before Isak can get his brain to function enough to grasp _what the hell Even is saying_ he is gone. Isak sits up in the bed, eyes searching for him and finding nothing. When he hears the front door slam shut he pales. 

****

He pulls on some clothes and sprints after him, but the stair house is empty. He feel his heart beat in absolute panic, not getting what the hell is going on. He gets some shoes and runs out, nothing but _Even Even Even_ on his mind. He looks around the street, but he can’t see him.

****

He then calls him, but he just won’t answer and he keeps calling leaving dozens of voice messages frantically begging him to pick up. His tears is falling, he can’t really see but he runs around, looking for him. Isak is so confused. 

****

Hours goes by and he still can’t find him anywhere, and as the sun begins to rise he stumbles back to the apartment because maybe he has gone back. But it’s empty and Isak can’t think. Eskild is there, yelling something but he don’t know what.

****

When he hears his phone ringing and sees Evens name on the screen he could laugh from relief.

****

“Even?! Even where are you!! I’ve been looking everywhere…”

****

“It’s Sonja, Evens girlfriend”, and Isak feels his heart stop. 

****

“You must be Isak. I just wanted to tell you to leave him the fuck alone, he doesn’t need someone like you right now”

****

“What do you mean?”

****

“He is at the fucking hospital because of you, him and that other dude. Elias”

****

“Why would…”

****

“Because he wanted to protect you or something, and he meet up with this Elias and then they beat the shit out of each other! And it’s your fault for using him like that when he was manic!”

****

“Manic..?”

****

“Yeah, he is fucking bipolar! So you need to stay the hell away from him, because you are obviously not good for him! So do us all a favor, and just delete this nummer”, Sonja says as she hangs up on him.

****

Eskild is yelling again, but Isak ignores him. He grabs the bottle of hard liquor that Eskild always hides behind the cereal, and shoves Eskild as he tries to stop him from leaving the apartment. 

****

Numb, he walks the streets of Oslo. The bottle in his hand quickly emptying.

****

_I did this. I hurt him._

****

He knows where his feet are leading him, but does not try to stop it. 

****

_I hurt him just like everyone else._

****

He hears the waves hit the harbour, before he sees it.

****

_I hurt him and he left me. Just like everyone else._

****

He stares at the dark pit, feeling it drag him in.

****

_I’m toxic. I’m pain. No one wants someone like me._

****

He sits down on the edge, and grabs at his aching heart. And he feels it all, feel the stones dragging him down. 

****

_Maybe I should just do everyone a favour, and die._

****

_……………………………_

**Tirsdag 06.30**

Jonas is sprinting, searching like Isak did just a half an hour before him. When Eskild had called, he knew. He knew, and that's why he needs to find Isak before… 

****

He shakes his head, can’t think like that right now. He knows he’ll be here somewhere, but he just can’t find him. 

****

Then he sees him, right on the edge. He screams his name, but he doesn’t turn. He just sits there, and Jonas needs to get to him. Every meter feels like a mile, as he sees Isak start to slip. 

****

When he feel the soft fabric of Isaks shirt under his hand, when he feels Isaks heart beat against his, he finally lets himself cry. 

****

_I’ll never let you die, you idiot._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING! Suicide attempt. Not graphic, but still.**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer!! I do not own Skam, just this story. Please review
> 
> I don't know when the last chapter will be up, but I promise I'll make it as soon as a can. 
> 
> Have a great day to you all, and I'm sorry Isak!! /Piolioxsa


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is long overdue, but I wanted to take my time to get this right. I'm so happy that we made it to the end, and thank you for reading this. You guys are awesome :*
> 
> Also, I almost always kills someone in my fics but Evak is life so I couldn't. Youre welcome.
> 
> Thank you
> 
> /Piolioxsa

**1 year ago**

Jonas and Isak are sitting by the harbor, right on the edge laughing their hearts out. School starts next week, but right now neither of them care. 

Isak lays down with a content sigh, and Jonas soon follows. The smile on Isaks face seem genuine and Jonas feel his heart become a little lighter at the sight. Jonas knows about Isaks mom, and how much Isak worries that she’s becoming worse by the day. 

Isak turns toward him, and furrows his brows at him.

“What the hell are you so happy about?”. Jonas smile and looks up at a cloudless sky. 

“Why wouldn’t I be happy? I got my best friend beside me, it’s a fine day and tonight we’ll party till we can’t freaking stand. What else can you which for?”

Isak smile falters a bit, as he says:

“Yeah, things are amazing. Kind of makes you wonder how long it will be until everything turns to shit”. Jonas hits Isak hard on the shoulder, and sits up.

“Stop being such a downer!”

“I’m not!” Isak puts his hands under his head, staring at the sky. “But things never stay amazing. I think it’s the order of the world or something”

“Thats bullshit”

“No, you’ll see. One day, we’ll sit here and think back at the good days. Knowing we’ll never be able to go back”.

“Well, we’ll still be best friends. And seriously, I think we can survive anything, you have my back and I have yours”. 

“Even when we are ugly grandpas with shit in our pants?”

“Of course, you idiot!” Isak smile and sits up, and as he looks at Jonas he can’t help but laugh. Jonas fling his arm around Isaks shoulder, laughing with him. 

…………………………

**Tirsdag**

Jonas keeps staring at the still form of his best friend on his bed, barely visible under all the covers. _You don’t deserve to be called his best friend._ Jonas bits his lip, fighting his tears. He knows he looks like shit, and he’s glad he has the house for himself for the week. His mom would freak if she saw them now. 

_How the hell did I miss this?_

………………………...

**Onsdag**

Isak is still sleeping, and Jonas doesn't know what to do. He can’t figure out what to tell all of those who calls, and texts, so he lies. School think they are both sick, and his friends think he’s ditching. He knows they are worried, but he’s fine. Isak’s not fine. Eskild came over, and they talked. And cried. Even though Eskild didn’t know much more than himself, he knows one thing for sure. 

I’t was his fault. If he’d been there, Isak wouldn’t have tried to killed himself. But he pushed him away, and the guilt makes him breathless. 

…………………………...

**Torsdag**

Isak woke today, and Jonas can’t tell if that's a good thing or not. Because everytime he sees Isaks eyes he flinch. He looks so broken, so small. He made him eat something, but he still won’t get up and he still won’t talk. 

Jonas tried to apologize, but he can tell Isak is not listening. And maybe he gave in and called Eva, because he can’t do this alone. It’s to heavy. He wished he hadn’t when Eva saw Isak, and burst out in tears. Later she asks if Jonas is alright, and he says his fine. But please come over tomorrow, please. She promises she will, and he promises he’ll call if something comes up. 

………………………………

**Fredag 19.09**

“Why are you doing all this? You hate me”, Isak asks silently and Jonas gets up from his chair to sit by Isak’s side. Isak sits on the edge of his bed with Jonas sweatshirt on, an half eaten sandwich in his hand. Eva made it, before she left. She said she would be over again tomorow and Isak knows he should feel something about that but he don’t. He can’t. 

“I… I was mad that you hurt Eva. Because I still like her, but… Fuck, Isak you know I would never hate you.” Isak stays silent, and to Jonas it feels like a stab to the heart. _He really thinks I hate him._ “But I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I’m a douche. An absolute douche and I don’t deserve someone like you but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I care Isak, I promise god damn it I care”. 

Jonas can hear the desperation in his own voice, and he feel angry tears start to slide down his cheeks.

“You are my best friend Isak, and I don’t want to lose you. I’m sorry I made you think that. I’m so, so sorry”. 

No one says anything for a while, the silence of the dark room only broken by Jonas quiet sobs. Isak cast a hesitant look on Jonas, and then back at his hands. _If it weren't for Jonas, I would be dead. At the bottom of that dirty harbor, blue and pale. Nothing more than fish food. Nothing._

Isak dashes to the bathroom, hand over his mouth. He just manages to throw up the toilet lid before he starts heaving. Isak closes his eyes, and tries to no avail to block out the disturbing image from his mind. Jonas is by his side, rubbing soothing circles on his back. And for the first time since leaving his apartment in what feels like ages ago Isak cries, the blissful numbness gone. 

“Schh, I’m here Isak. You’re here, it’s okay”, Jonas mumbles repeatedly. 

Isak grips his stomach, and continues to heave and heave with a steady trail of tears on his pale face. When it finally stops, and the few mouthfuls of food he’d eaten now gone, Isak feel drained. With help from Jonas, he gets back to the bed. 

“Fuck, that hurt”, Isak mumbles with a hand protectively around the gaping hole in his stomach. 

“Wait here a sec”, Jonas says and hurries away out the door. He comes back a few moments later with a glas of water in his hand. He offers it to Isak, and he gratefully swallows some mouthfuls before putting it on the nightstand. Jonas sits down with a tired sigh, and Isak takes the quiet moment to take a good look at him. 

“You look like shit”, he says dumbfoundedly. Jonas scrunches his nose and lets out a surprised laugh. He thinks he spots a small smile on Isak face, but in this dimly lit light he can’t be sure. Still, the knot in his stomach loosens a little. 

“It’s nothing compared to you, but…” Jonas lets in a shaky breath. “But I guess it’s not that weird. You know, considering.” 

_Considering I tried to kill myself three days ago._

Isak grip his stomach a little harder. 

“Yeah”.

“You know Isak, this is one hell of a messed up situation. And I don’t really understand even half of what’s going on with you, but… One day I hope you’ll feel like you can tell me. And when you do,” Jonas locks eyes with Isaks, ”I’ll be here”.

Isak just nods, and even though it’s small he can feel a flickering light of hope burning in all of that darkness. But right now, he’s too tired to pay attention to it. 

“Even called. He’s really worried about you”. Isak feel his heart stop, and he clenches his fists harder. _Fuck he knows. Fuck fuck fuck_

Jonas takes in the obvious look of distress on his friends face, and smile sadly. 

“I don’t care Isak, and I know this is hard for you to understand but neither should you.” Jonas hands Isak his phone from his back pocket. Isak just stare at it dumbly, his mind refusing to work properly.

“Call him back.” And at that, Isak laugh.

“The hell, fuck Even.” Isak says angrily, but even he can hear the hurt behind his words. 

Jonas sigh, and realise that this is as much he can get out of Isak for now. This feel like a major step forward, and he won’t risk ruining it. He pats Isaks shoulder lightly when he rises, and then leaves with a quite _try to drink some more water, see you tomorrow Isak._

The door shuts, and Isak buries his thoughts under a thick blanket of _fuck this I’m going to sleep._ The scent of Jonas shirt makes him feel safe, so he leaves it on as he crawl under the cover and let the darkness take him. 

………………………....

**Lørdag 13.00**

When Isak wakes up, there is a stack of papers on the nightstand. On it, a bright yellow post it note with Jonas tidy handwriting. 

_At the store, if you wake up before I’m back please read this. And read it to the end, trust me on this._

Isak eyes the bundle suspiciously. He stares at the title, and realisation washes over him. It’s Jonas article. Isak wonder why he would want him to read it, and why now. But he lets curiosity take over him, and start reading. 

It’s brilliant, like always. But even halfway through he still don’t understand why Jonas wanted him to read this. The first bit is mostly just informative, discussing mental illness with a Jonas type of viewpoint. Then, he starts with the interviews. The stories they provide are all powerful, but nothing he’s not seen before. 

Isak sighs and continues with the next interview, but stop dead in his tracks. On the top left is a picture of a boy with a carefree bright smile with the bluest of eyes. The boy who left him in the middle of the night, with no explanation what so ever. Even.

Isaks vision turn blurry, focused on nothing more than those damn eyes that still make his stomach flutter. He feel his mind racing, trying to understand. His brain is _boiling_ and Isak can’t think… 

He throws the paper at the wall.

When Jonas finds him half an hour later, Isak is laying on the bed with the cover bundled up to his chest in a death grip. He turns away when Jonas walks in, tells him to leave. Jonas carefully lays his article back on the nightstand. 

“I know you don’t want to read this, and that you’re confused. But Even deserves to explain himself, and he can’t do that right now. But he already did, and the explanation is right here.” Isak make no attempt to move. Jonas sigh.

“Just… Think about it. I promise it will help.”

……………………………

**Lørdag 20.57**

_Hi, my name is Even Bech Næsheim and I’m bipolar. This is my story._

Isak grabs his phone with fumbling hands, emotions in a weird turmoil after reading the last words of Evens interview. The phone start beeping like crazy when he turns it on, but he ignores it and quickly finds Evens messages.

_Even: Isak, baby I’m sorry I let you down. I don’t deserve you._

_Even: I wonder if in some other world, where I’m not such a fuck up, we are with each other right now. We would be happy. It’s my fault that you're not happy._

_Even: I spoke to Jonas today. I just… I want to hear your voice so bad, just one more time. Then you would never have to talk to me again. Just one more time._

The last message arrived just a few minutes ago.

_Even: Isak Valtersen, I know I don’t deserve to but I love you. It’s cold here without you, but when I close my eyes I can still see you standing right before me. Knowing I hurt someone so good, so perfect… I hope that someday you find someone that do deserve you, a healer and not a breaker. But I’ll never forget you. I’m sorry._

…………………………

**Lørdag 21.21**

When Isak saw Even, when their eyes interlocked, he felt his body move by itself. The emotions he saw in Evens eyes reflected in his own and that should have scared him. He saw the hope, he saw the fear. He saw the darkness. 

And all he wanted to do was make that darkness go away.

They finally connected, and he felt Evens shaky breath on his skin. He traced that beautiful face with a featherlight touch, and he let the tears flow. When Even finally brought his lips to Isaks, they both let themselves give in. 

And with every hungry kiss came a promise.

_I’ll save you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer!! I do not own Skam, just this story. Please review
> 
> As always, if you wonder something about the plotline just ask. 
> 
> Also, can someone give Jonas a hug? 
> 
> THHEEE EENNNDD


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